Building Rapport By Listening English Language Essay

PR people need a few theories and models to help get to grips with the bigger picture and why communications matters. But for most of us we need to get on with it and be able to deliver material results. Here we look at some of the practical skills we need to master in order to do the job well.

If we look at job descriptions for PR and communications professionals, the skills required can be sorted into three broad groups

Briefing Skills

Writing Skills

Presentation Skills

Finally being assertive is essential for any professional and PR practitioners particularly need this skill in their role as consultants so we’ll look at this as a practical skill.

Briefing Skills

Building rapport by listening, questioning and observation of body language

As communications specialists we are likely, through our careers, to work with a wide variety of people, particularly colleagues and clients. We may also need to conduct research with target audiences, by interviewing them on a one-to-one or small group basis. We may also need to work with and interview case history subjects in order to obtain material to write up afterwards. So skilful questioning and listening, along with competent note and minute taking, are all essential skills.

We may take a brief in a relaxed and supportive environment on an aspect of business that requires a planned and proactive communications strategy. Or we may take a briefing when an issue has gone live or an incident has taken place where people are rushed, anxious and concerned, where we are expected to come up with a professional, immediate reactive response.

Some briefings are excellent and all the information is there: a written version supplements a verbal briefing; there is complete openness; questions are answered thoroughly. Other briefings are partial, thin on detail, assumptions are made, the verbal briefing is poorly delivered, and sometimes the person taking the brief is – and feels – less senior and so potentially rather intimidated so the right penetrating questions may not be asked or assumptions go unchallenged. Mistakes get made this way hence the ability to handle a briefing competently is vital.

Listening

During a briefing we often need to get a lot of information out of people quickly and efficiently. And to do this we must be active listeners as well as skilled questioners. We must be able to concentrate on what’s being said and to sometimes draw out what really matters. We need to hear what the client – whether an internal or external client – is anxious about, is excited about and what the core business issues really are. Listening is an active skill, not a passive exercise. Listening is more demanding than speaking, in terms of concentration. Because we lead busy lives, we can be distracted by other thoughts and this can get in the way of good listening. You have to get into the right frame of mind to listen.

There are three levels of listening

Peripheral Listening Done at subconscious level, formal and informal situations – ‘cocktail party syndrome’ – eg at party, restaurant

Apparent Listening We do it all the time – look like we are listening but not really concentrating

Active Listening Concentrating on the message being transmitted by trying to understand not only what is being said but how and why it is said

Interpreting

Understanding

Evaluating

Reacting

Planning

Responding

Most people talk at c.125 words per minute but think at four times that speed. So listeners have spare mental capacity (which they could use to make useful notes) but which in practice means they can also go off on one, their minds can wander, they daydream and are distracted…unless they concentrate and listen actively.

People feel unimportant, insignificant and disrespected if they sense their ideas, concerns, feelings and not being paid close attention or being taken seriously. But not only can the working relationship suffer, the ineffective listener can simply get things wrong! If you ask a question and get the answer you were expecting, you make assumptions and so miss some enlightening, new or additional important information. If you are busy getting your next question together in your mind you won’t be listening to the current answer.

Listening well

Prepare to listen. If you can, do some research/reading before you go into a briefing session. For example read last year’s PR programme, an annual report, the latest media coverage and so on. Get into the right frame of mind – Win:Win is what you should be aiming for, even if previous meetings with those briefing you have been challenging. Observe participants’ body language and speed of speaking (to pick up clues about areas of concern, urgency and any anxiety). Don’t make assumptions but observe and “tune in” to the people involved.

Sit to see. A fundamental point but having clear visual contact will aid concentration. Don’t forget that placing your back to the sun means that the person you’re listening to may not be able to see your eyes or facial expressions clearly. Likewise you want to see them clearly too. We gain so much more information if we ‘listen’ to body language too.

Avoid distractions. Apart from worrying about how much you have to do, other distractions can interfere with concentration; open plan offices, external sound, glass walls, television screens and mobile devices that people can’t get their eyes – and attention – away from. Be careful about these interfering with your concentration when you are listening.

Show empathy and build rapport. At the opening stages of a briefing it’s useful to show empathy so that rapport is built with the other person. Empathy is an attempt to understand the other person, to understand how the person feels and thinks and sees the world. It’s getting a sense of their perspective. The issue is not to agree, disagree, or make judgements but to make a genuine effort to understand how the person briefing you sees the opportunity or issue. Look at it from their point of view – and then add your own perspective as a communications consultant. At the start of a meeting use similar – or ‘matching’ – language and body language to assist in building rapport. Show you are interested in the subject so that the person briefing you feels more inclined to engage and communicate back.

Practise. Take every opportunity to practise and improve your listening skills. A colleague of mine listens to Radio Four documentaries and then recalls key points afterwards and includes these in her blog posts.

Practical active practical listening techniques

Checking understanding

One of the ways to check your understanding of what has been said is to use feedback. In your own words, repeat back to the speaker what you understood her/him to have said.

This will:

Check your understanding of what’s being said.

Help eliminate any unintended messages which the speaker didn’t mean.

Demonstrate your interest in what’s being said.

Demonstrate that you really understand.

Let the speaker think about what’s being said.

Encourage a clearer explanation of complex points.

For example, you may hear:

“It’s a sensitive situation because of the potential financial impact on the business’.

You could check understanding by responding:

“So you’re saying that there may be a knock-on effect on profitability?”

Re-statement reflects a genuine attempt to understand the other person’s point of view and helps to identify any issues that arise.

Summarising

This is more than re-statement or reflection, it is drawing together the main themes and key points from what you have heard. This facility can often be essential when the briefer has given a rather rambling and incoherent brief. Summarising what you have heard will help to check back the facts and assumptions.

Summarising can also:

Indicate that you have understood what has been said.

Move the conversation on.

Make an effective break point or end to the meeting.

Establish a starting point at a subsequent meeting.

10 rules for great listening:

Stop talking.

Try to put the briefer at ease, get them to feel that they have your attention and you will respect their thoughts.

Show that you want to listen. Look and act interested.

Remove distractions.

Empathise with the briefer.

Be patient as far as you can.

Monitor and supress any impulse to judge or counsel too soon.

Avoid argument and any implied criticism.

Ask questions

Stop talking!

Questioning

The ability to ask great questions is, in my opinion, one of the most crucial skills anyone working in communications should master. Great questioning helps you get the information you need: to prepare a sound PR proposal, to understand the opinions, thoughts and feelings of a stakeholder, to write a focused report, to assess a situation, to get to the heart of the matter. The right questions achieve clarity, promote reflection, enhance creativity and help work out solutions. As you get more senior and are responsible for coaching and mentoring others, great questions are a key way to help people reflect and learn. Whatever the context, great questions show you are listening and paying attention to your subject. It’s not simply a question of the right questions either; it’s also the way you ask them – so pay attention to your tone of voice and body language too.

Using the Right Questioning Style

Open questions help the other person define the opportunity or issue and to explore it. They provide factual information and the other person’s thoughts and possibly their feelings behind it. Open questions can also generate thinking and reflection and ensure that focus is kept on the issue. Well timed open questions can change how someone looks at an issue too and can help identify actions to take. Open questions are always a good place to start a discussion or a briefing as they do exactly that – open up the dialogue. Open questions most often start with “What,” “How,” “When” and “Where” or ‘Tell me about…’

What can I/we do for you?

What do you think the opportunity is?

What’s your role in this issue?

What have you tried so far? What worked? What didn’t?

Have you experienced anything like this before? (If so, what did you do?)

What can you do for yourself?

What are the business needs?

How will that benefit the business?

What is important about that?

What is holding the business back?

What if you do nothing?

What is this costing?

How much control do you have in this situation?

What options do you have?

What support do you need to assure success?

What do you need us to do for you?

What do you hope for?

What’s preventing you from …?

If you could change one thing, what would it be?

How will you know you have been successful?

What does success look like?

Imagine a point in the future where your issue is resolved…how did you get there?

What would you like to ask us?

Journalists use these open questions frequently when interviewing subjects for features and news pieces: Did you…? Are you…? What’s…? How many…? Where….?

Depending on the situation, be careful when asking open questions that begin with “why.” A ‘why’ question makes people feel defensive, accountable to justify their actions. You do need to ask ‘why’ questions – to clarify causation especially when working out what has happened if an incident has taken place – just be careful of the phrasing so it doesn’t look like any blame is being apportioned and that it doesn’t sound like finger pointing.

2. Closed questions can be used to check facts, or as a summary. Use them sparingly as they tend to elicit simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answers. ‘Have you told……? ‘What I think I’m hearing is… is that right?’

3 Clarifying questions help you and your subject understand the key point and get to the “bottom line”. They can uncover the root cause of issues. These are especially useful when conducting research interviews and doing in-depth profiles of case histories. Ask questions about the person’s point of view, perspectives, beliefs, values and actions. Great provocative questions can prompt light bulb moments which can shift things positively and quickly. ‘When you launched your brand what what did you imagine would be the impact on your life?’ ‘When did you first consider you had achieved success?’

4. Reflecting questions enable the questioner to clarify what has been said and to get the subject to talk freely and in depth. Reflecting questions call for the questioner to engage in ‘active listening’. Using their own words you encourage further information. Reflecting questions often begin:

‘You said that…’ ‘ You sound as if ….’ I get the feeling that ….’

5. Extending questions are used to invite further explanation and to prompt a further answer:

‘How else could…?’ ‘ Could you tell me more about..?’

6. Comparative questions are useful where the questioner may need to compare a situation on a before and after basis:

‘What has it been like since…?’ ‘What difference has …..’

7. Hypothetical questions may allow the subject to explore ideas and issues in a non-threatening theoretical environment:

‘Imagine a future where…how would you feel?’

‘If you were faced with the same situation again would you do anything differently?’

8. Rephrasing or paraphrasing may be used when the questioner is not clear what the subject thinks, feels or means and allows you to play back what has been said:

Are you saying that…?’ ‘Let me see if I understand the problem completely…’

9. Linking questions are useful for picking up clues but depend on active listening. The question is formed by picking up an earlier response from the subject:

‘You mentioned earlier that… how would you…?’

Leading questions (a sub-section of closed questions) should generally be avoided. A leading question is asked in order to lead another to a pre-determined answer or conclusion. This sort of question comes across as dishonest and manipulative. You can recognise leading questions because they are statements that can often can be answered “yes” or “no”. That said, journalists may use leading questions in interviews

‘You’re a Conservative, aren’t you?’ ‘How did you react? Were you furious?’ ‘How much money went missing – more than a million pounds?’

Assumptive questions (which can be annoying but, if phrased well, can get into interesting areas) are also used extensively by journalists.

Were you educated in a private or state school? How many redundancies will there be? Are you married or single? (when the answer may be neither…) When did you last beat your wife?

Direct, suggestive or loaded questions – which are manipulative but are often used again by journalists to provoke a response and add tension into proceedings

Scientists have proven that cigarette smoking cause cancer so why should manufacturers be allowed to continue to promote them at all?

What sort of person would disagree with campaigns to control birth rates?

Ghandi said non-violent protest was the only way – don’t you agree?

Socratic Questioning

Academics often use ‘Socratic Questioning’ to facilitate investigation and dialogue. The US-based Foundation for Critical Thinking published a paper in 2006 by Richard Paul and Linda Elder that defined nine types of Socratic questions, useful for critical enquiry

Questions of clarification

What do you mean by X?

What is your main point?

How does this relate to X?

Could you put that another way?

Could you say more about that?

Why do you say that?

Let me check I understand – do you mean X or Y?

Can you explain that further?

Can you give me an example?

Would this be an example of X?

How does this relate to the brief/issue?

Is your basic point X or Y?

What do you think David meant by that remark? What do you believe he actually meant?

Questions That Probe Purpose

What is the purpose of X?

What was your purpose when you said X?

How do the purposes of these two people vary?

How do the purposes of these two groups vary?

What is the purpose of addressing this question at this time?

Questions That Probe Assumptions

What are you assuming?

What is Karen assuming?

What could we assume instead?

You seem to be assuming X . Do I understand you correctly?

All your conclusions depend on the idea that….. Why have you based your reasoning on X rather than Y?

You seem to be assuming X. How would you justify taking this for granted?

Is it always the case? Why do you think the assumption holds here?

Questions That Probe Information, Reasons, Evidence and Causes

What would be an example?

How do you know?

What are your reasons for saying that?

Why did you say that?

What other information do we need to know before we can address this question?

Why do you think that is true?

Could you explain your reasons to us?

What led you to that belief ?

Is this good evidence for believing that?

Do you have any evidence to support your assertion?

Are those reasons adequate?

How does that information apply to this case?

Is there reason to doubt that evidence?

What difference does that make?

Who is in a position to know if that is the case?

What would convince you otherwise?

What would you say to someone who said ?

What accounts for ?

What do you think is the cause?

How did this come about?

By what reasoning did you come to that conclusion?

How could we go about finding out whether that is true?

Can someone else give evidence to support that response?

Questions about Viewpoints or Perspectives

You seem to be approaching this issue from perspective. Why have you chosen this perspective rather than that perspective?

How would other groups or types of people respond? Why? What would influence them?

How could you answer the objection that would make?

Can/did anyone see this another way?

What would someone who disagrees say?

What is an alternative?

How are Ken’s and Roxanne’s ideas alike? Different?

Questions That Probe Implications and Consequences

What are you implying by that?

When you say , are you implying ?

But if that happened, what else would also happen as a result? Why?

What effect would that have?

Would that necessarily happen or only probably happen?

What is an alternative?

If this and this are the case, then what else must be true?

Questions about the Question

How can we find out?

Is this the same issue as ?

How could someone settle this question?

Can we break this question down at all?

Is the question clear? Do we understand it?

How would put the issue?

Is this question easy or difficult to answer? Why?

What does this question assume?

Would put the question differently?

Why is this question important?

Does this question ask us to evaluate something?

Do we need facts to answer this?

Do we all agree that this is the question?

To answer this question, what other questions would we have to answer first?

I’m not sure I understand how you are interpreting the main question at issue. Could you explain your interpretation?

Questions That Probe Concepts

What is the main idea we are dealing with?

Why/how is this idea important?

Do these two ideas conflict? If so, how?

What was the main idea guiding the thinking of the character in this story?

How is this idea guiding our thinking as we try to reason through this issue? Is this idea causing us problems?

What main theories do we need to consider in figuring out ?

Are you using this term ” ” in keeping with educated usage?

Which main distinctions should we draw in reasoning through this problem?

Which idea is this author using in her or his thinking? This there a problem with it?

Questions That Probe Inferences and Interpretations

Which conclusions are we coming to about ?

On what information are we basing this conclusion?

Is there a more logical inference we might make in this situation?

How are you interpreting her behaviour? Is there another possible interpretation?

What do you think of ?

How did you reach that conclusion?

Given all the facts, what is the best possible conclusion?

How shall we interpret these data?

Understanding body language

Non-verbal communication is often the way we show the emotional side of our relationships with others. Effective body language works alongside our spoken words in order to convey meaning more clearly.

Give positive signals by

Arriving on time

Show you are committed to the aims of the meeting

Show interest in what is being said

When you talk in the meeting give everyone some eye contact by moving your eyes around the room

Try and control the tone of your voice so that it is calm and unflustered with variation in tone and pitch

Don’t yawn

Pick up signals from other people’s body language

You can watch other participants and try to assess their thoughts and feelings even if they are not saying anything. Some important signals to look for are;

Eye contact – people who are looking at you are likely to be listening. People who look away from you when you talk to them may be nervous

Body direction – usually in meetings everyone sits facing the chairperson. If someone turns their body away they may be unhappy with what is happening, changing direction completely or possibly pushing their chair back may show a great degree of dissatisfaction

Posture – this can be interpreted in many different ways. Sitting back may be a sign of disinterest or of being relaxed. At an informal meeting sitting on the edge of the seat may be an indication of fear or tension.

Head movements – the obvious ones are the nod or shake of agreement or disagreement. Most people will unconsciously nod or shake their heads and this provides you with a lot of information.

Facial expressions – again at a meeting facial expressions such as smiling frowning questioning are often unconscious and can reveal information about what the person is thinking.

Body language clues that often reveal what’s going on with the listener

Smiling, open and positive gestures, standing or sitting close, lots of eye contact, nodding, tilting head = empathy and rapport

Sitting with crossed leg towards you = defensiveness, distrust

Sitting with crossed leg away from you = willingness to trust

Rigid or tense body posture, staring eyes, clenched fists, clasped hands, tightly folded arms, foot tapping, finger pointing = anger, aggression, irritation, nervousness,

Downcast eyes, hand over mouth, frequently touching face, shifting weight from one leg to another, fidgeting = nervousness

Picking fluff from clothes, pulling at ears, stifled yawning, gazing around the room = boredom

Non-verbal communication

By developing awareness of the signs and signals of body language, you can more easily understand other people, and more effectively communicate with them.

The difference between the words people speak and our understanding of what they are saying comes from non-verbal communication, otherwise known as “body language”.

There are sometimes subtle – and sometimes not so subtle – movements, gestures, facial expressions and even shifts in our whole bodies that indicate something is going on. The way we talk, walk, sit and stand all say something about us, and whatever is happening on the inside can be reflected on the outside.

By becoming more aware of this body language and understanding what it might mean, you can learn to read people more easily. This puts you in a better position to communicate effectively with them. What’s more, by increasing your understanding of others, you can also become more aware of the messages that you convey to them.

This article will explain many of the ways in which we communicate non-verbally, so that you can use these signs and signals to communicate more effectively.

How We Communicate

A famous study by Albert Mehrabian found that non-verbal language makes up 55% of how we communicate in face-to-face interactions. He also concluded that we communicate as much as 38% of our message through our voice (tone, pitch, and so on), with as little as 7% through the words we actually say.

Understanding and recognizing the signs and signals that make up this 55% can help you when you communicate with others. There are times when we send mixed messages – we say one thing yet our body language reveals something different. This non-verbal language will affect how we act and react to others, and how they react to us.

So, let’s take a look at some scenarios, and see how body language influences your perception and reactions.

First Impressions and Confidence

Recall a time when you met someone new at work. Or think about the last time you watched a speaker deliver a presentation.

What were your first impressions? Did you sense confidence or a lack of confidence in them? Did you want to associate with them or not? Were you convinced by them?

Did they stride into the room, engage you and maintain eye contact or were they tentative, shuffling towards you with eyes averted, before sliding into a chair? What about their handshake – firm and strong or weak and limp?

Moving along in the conversation, did they maintain solid eye contact or were they frequently looking away? Did their face appear relaxed or was it tight and tense? What about their hand and arm movements? Were their gestures wide, flowing and open or were they tight, jerky and closed?

As you observe others, you can identify some common signs and signals that give away whether they are feeling confident or not. Typical things to look for in confident people include:

Posture – standing tall with shoulders back.

Eye contact – solid with a ‘smiling’ face.

Gestures with hands and arms – purposeful and deliberate.

Speech – slow and clear.

Tone of voice – moderate to low.

As well as deciphering other people’s the body language, you can use this knowledge to convey feelings that you’re not actually experiencing.

For example, if you are about to enter into a situation where you are not as confident as you’d like to be, such as giving a big presentation or attending an important meeting, you can adopt these ‘confidence’ signs and signals to project confidence.

Let’s now look at another scenario.

Difficult Meetings and Defensiveness

Think of a time when you were in a difficult meeting – perhaps a performance appraisal or one where you are negotiating deadlines, responsibilities or a contract. In an ideal world, both you and the other person would be open and receptive to hearing what each other has to say, in order to conclude the meeting successfully.

However, often, the other person is defensive and doesn’t really listen. If this happens during an appraisal meeting, and it’s important for you to convey to your colleague that he or she needs to change certain behaviors, you really want them open and receptive to you so they take on board what you are saying.

So how can you tell whether your message is falling on “deaf ears”?

Some of the common signs that the person you are speaking with may be feeling defensive include:

Hand/arm gestures are small and close to his or her body.

Facial expressions are minimal.

Body is physically turned away from you.

Arms are crossed in front of body.

Eyes maintain little contact, or are downcast.

By picking up these signs, you can change what you say or how you say it to help the other person become more at ease, and more receptive to what you are saying.

Equally, if you are feeling somewhat defensive going into a negotiating situation, you can monitor your own body language to ensure that the messages you are conveying are ones that say that you are open and receptive to what is being discussed.

Working with Groups and Disengagement

Have you ever delivered a presentation, and had a sense that people weren’t really buying into what you had to say? What about working with a group to facilitate a consensus on responsibilities and deadlines? Was everyone on board with the ideas, or did some appear disengaged?

Ideally, when you stand up to deliver a presentation or work with group, you want 100% engagement with all concerned. This often doesn’t happen on its own, though. But you can actively engage the audience when you need to if you’re alert to some of the typical signs and signals of people not being engaged. Some of these signs and signals include:

Heads are down.

Eyes are glazed, or gazing at something else.

Hands may be picking at cloths, or fiddling with pens.

People may be writing or doodling.

They may be sitting slumped in their chairs.

When you pick up that someone appears not to be engaged in what is going on, you can do something to re-engage him or her and bring their focus back to what you are saying, such as asking them a direct question.

And while this is going on, make sure that your own body language is saying what you want it to.

Lying

Of all the non-verbal body language that we may observe, being able to tell whether a person is lying or not will stand you in good stead.

Some of the typical signs and signals that a person is lying include:

Eyes maintain little or no eye contact, or there may be rapid eye movements, with pupils constricted.

Hand or fingers are in front of his or her mouth when speaking.

His or her body is physically turned away from you, or there are unusual/un-natural body gestures.

His or her breathing rate increases.

Complexion changes such as in color; red in face or neck area.

Perspiration increases.

Voice changes such as change in pitch, stammering, throat clearing.

As with all non-verbal language, it’s important to remember here that everyone’s personal body language is slightly different. If you notice some of the typical non-verbal signs of lying, you shouldn’t necessarily jump to conclusions, as many of these signals can be confused with the appearance of nervousness. What you should do, however, is use these signals as a prompt to probe further, ask more questions and explore the area in more detail to determine whether they are being truthful or not.

Further clarification is always worthwhile when checking out your understanding of someone’s body language, and this is particularly true during job interviews and in negotiating situations.

Interviews and Negotiations, and Reflection

What do you do when you are asked a really good question? Do you ponder for a few moments before answering?

You might simply blurt something out without taking time to think about the answer, or you could take a moment to reflect before answering. By taking some time to reflect on your response, you are indicating to the questioner that they’ve asked you a good question and it is important enough for you to take some time to consider your answer.

Be that in an interview situation or when negotiating something with someone, showing that you are indeed thinking over your answer is a positive thing. Some typical signs and signals that a person is reflecting on their answer include:

Eyes look away and return to engage contact only when answering.

Finger stroking on chin.

Hand to cheek.

Head tilted with eyes looking up.

So, whether you are on the receiving end of someone pondering, or you are doing the pondering, there are certain gestures that give it away.

One size does NOT fit all

We mentioned earlier that each person is unique, and that their signs and signals might have a different underlying cause from the ones you suspect. This is often the case when people have different past experiences, and particularly where cultural differences are large. This is why it’s important to check that your interpretation of someone else’s body language is correct. You might do this through the use of further questions, or simply by getting to know the person better.

To help practice and further develop your skill in picking up body language, engage in people-watching. Observe people – be that on a bus/train or on television without the sound – and just notice how they act and react to each other. When you watch others, try to guess what they are saying or get a sense of what is going on between them.

Even if you do not get the chance to check whether you are correct in your assessment, you will be developing your observational skills. This in turn can help you to pick up signals when you are interacting with others.

Tip:

As well as learning to read body language, people often consciously use it to project messages and reinforce what they’re saying – we can all call to mind the body language used by a “slippery” used-car salesman.

Whether or not this is acceptable depends on the situation. It’s fine to put on a “brave face” when you’re about to meet someone or do a presentation. However, it’s not acceptable if you’re trying to persuade someone to do something that’s against their interests – what’s more, the gestures you can’t control may give you away, leading to a serious loss of trust and credibility.

Key Points:

Body language accounts for as much as 55% of how we communicate, and can reflect quite accurately what’s going on inside us.

Body language includes body movements and gestures (legs, arms, hands, head and torso), posture, muscle tension, eye contact, skin coloring (flushed red), even people’s breathing rate and perspiration. Additionally, the tone of voice, the rate of speech and the pitch of the voice all add to the words that are being used.

It is important to recognize that body language may vary between individuals, and between different cultures and nationalities. It is therefore essential to verify and confirm the signals that you are reading, by questioning the individual and getting to know the person.

*

Space Zones (NB these are Western values!)

Close intimate – 0-15 cms – lovers, children and very close friends and relatives

Intimate – 15 – 45 cms – no strangers here please

Personal – 46cms – 1.2m – office party, social occasions, first meetings

Social – 1.2 – 3.6m – in shops, on the street, on trains (some chance in London!)

Public – 12 m – talking to an audience front row

First Impressions

Clothes, hair, face, body, eyes, mouth then

Catching the eye across a room

Approach, shake hands, introduce

In personal zone

Smiling, listening, nodding

Posture relaxation

If feeling comfortable, mirroring occurs

Greeting

Positive recognition signals (ie someone knows you)

Smile

Head tilt

Eyes widen, eyebrow flash (when forehead wrinkles upwards)

Handshaking – Western

Shows there is no weapon in hand

Pump up and down once – North Europe

Pump up and down repeatedly and vigorously – Southern Europe

Palm offered downwards implies domination

Amplified handshakes, involving more body contact, implies possible domination

Salaam – Arabic/Islamic

Full version – Sweep right arm upwards with hand open and palm facing body

Touch chest above heart

Bring hand up and touch forehead with fingers

Sweep hand up and out beside face

Namaste – Indian

Both hands held together as if in prayer

Bowing – Japanese

Lower ranking bows first, further and longer

Signs of superiority

Lilting head back (making someone look smaller, ‘looking down the nose’)

Eye contact – either avoidance (looking through someone/someone is not worth noticing) or glaring (forcing other to lower eyes)

While listening – half closed eyes and unsmiling

Strutting walk

Displaying thumbs – eg by clasping jacket with ‘thumbs up

Hand behind back – ie I am self assured and can leave my front unprotected

Language clues – ‘Sorry?’ ‘You’ll have to speak up’

Signs of confidence

Standing and walking

Erect, straight back, brisk walk

Conversation

Eye contact, infrequent blinking

No hiding mouth or nose with hand, no head scratching

Smokers blowing smoke upwards

Hand steepling

Defensive gestures

Crossed arms and legs (imply self clasping/comforting)

So many books have been written about this subject and you can take a look at many helpful (and amusing) films on YouTube. Non-verbal cues tell us a great deal when we are in conversation. Gestures, stances, facial expressions and so on give us information that supports – or sometimes contradicts – what we are hearing. We all read body language and paralanguage subconsciously but sometimes it’s useful to do this purposefully and consciously to gain insight into the real issues.

Try focusing on:

The eyes; it’s fairly clear that a blank stare can mean boredom, a raised eyebrow disbelief of frustration and wide-open eyes indicate surprise.

The face. This can often tell us about underlying feelings. Consider the smile, a laughing smile can indicate genuine happiness or humour while a forced smile just the opposite. A stroke of the chin is likely to indicate thoughtfulness.

Arms and hands. What messages do we receive from a handshake? Wringing of hands often indicates tension and nervousness. Finger tapping can be a habit or an indication of frustration.

The rest of the body. Simply sitting down can give clues. Sitting forwards may indicate someone who is listening intently, whereas someone leaning backwards of slouching is more likely to be feeling bored and disengaged.

These brief examples are given to invite you to think about the messages you are getting…..and, indeed, giving.

Body language and business etiquette

EUROPE

Because Europe has such a wide range of cultures, acceptable behaviour varies greatly between countries. Southern Europeans generally are thought to be more open and expressive than their more northern counterparts.

Denmark

Like many Northern European Countries the Danish are more formal and stand further away when talking to visitors. Handshakes are mostly firm and short. If you are greeting a couple, shake hands with the woman first. Politeness is important. Eye contact is approximately 75% of the time. Women go first through doors and down stairs. Turning your back on people is impolite, for example, if you need to pass people in order to reach your seat, face them and say thank you. At formal dinners each man will be presented with a card with the name of the female dining partner who will be sitting on his right. He should escort her to the table. Toasting is popular. The correct form is to look around the group or toast one person, take a small sip and then make eye contact again.

Finland

Men, women and children will shake hands formally when introduced. Open displays of emotion are rare. Making and keeping direct eye contact is important in conversation. Standing with your arms folded will be interpreted as arrogance. If you want to cross your legs, do so at the knees not your ankles. Never eat with your fingers, not even fruit. It is considered bad manners to leave food on a plate, so only take small portions that you know you will be able to finish.

Sweden

Swedes are serious, undemonstrative people and, perhaps more than most, tend to regard loud, extrovert behaviour as shallow. Handshakes are firm and brief, with one or two pumps only. No other form of body contact takes place. Maintain eye contact when talking as it shows you are interested in what they’re saying. Crossing your arms is not seen as defensive in Sweden but rather shows that you are listening. When talking to someone, keep your trunk face-on, angling yourself even slightly away from them could be taken as lack of interest. Swedes have a special dislike of being interrupted when talking and of moving on to another subject before it is dealt with fully.

Czech Republic

You may find, especially at formal meetings, that everyone shakes hands when they arrive and leave. Otherwise, Czechs and Slovaks do not indulge in physical contact in public. When you have finished your meal, put your knife and fork together parallel at one side of the plate. Leaving your knife and fork criss-crossed on the plate will be taken to mean that you are just pausing. Formal toasting is quite common at business meals. The host will take the lead and you should respond when you are invited.

France

Handshakes are quick, single, frequent up-and-down pumps. In general, a man should wait for a woman to offer her hand first. Even with people they know well the French don’t kiss on the cheek – they just touch cheeks and kiss air. They don’t smile at strangers. Business cards are often exchanged. If you give a card to a superior, you may not necessarily get one in return. At business meetings, don’t remove your jacket before the most senior person. Although the French gesture often, in work situations body language and behaviour tend to be restrained.

Germany

Germans are non-tactile compared with other countries in Europe. Men give a firm handshake perhaps with just one pump. Women and children will also shake hands, but less forcefully than men. When meeting a group, shake hands with each person, and the same when leaving. Business cards are exchanged as a matter of routine. Germans don’t routinely say “Please” and “Thank you”. This isn’t rude.

Italy

Like many Southern European countries, you may find that they stand much closer to you than you may expect. Avoid stepping away as it could be interpreted as being rude or uninterested. Eye contact is usually more than 90% and is warm and friendly. Italy is the most tactile nation in Europe. Even businessmen who have met only a couple of times will offer a lingering handshake, perhaps clasping the other man’s elbow but this is not an appropriate gesture between men and women.

Portugal

As with other Latin countries, firm, warm handshakes are the norm. The Portuguese are not very demonstrative, except in meeting close friends, when men might slap each other’s backs and women might embrace.

Russia

Strong direct eye contact and a good firm handshake may be followed, for male friends, by a Russian bear hug, perhaps with quick kisses to alternate cheeks. Passing in front of people with your back to them, for instance at the theatre or in a crowd, is taboo. Russians don’t smile at strangers, especially not in public.

Spain

Handshakes are warm and friendly, and perhaps a man will pat someone he knows on the back or shoulder. Friendly eye contact is important, although women need to be careful that it doesn’t get confused with signalling interest. Keeping your hands in your pockets during a conversation will be considered rude by members of the older generation. When arriving at a table in a restaurant or at someone’s home, men usually make a point of waiting for all the women to sit down before they do so themselves.

Switzerland

Swiss customs naturally divide into French, German and Italian forms. Swiss-German greetings are short, firm and without any other touching, whereas the French and Italian versions involve embraces and cheek-kissing. Have plenty of business cards as they will get used. The Swiss especially appreciate an upright stance and good posture. In a restaurant, strangers might take any seats that happen to be empty at your table.

MIDDLE EAST AND THE ARAB WORLD

There are a number of helpful rules for etiquette in Arabic countries. These are listed here and specific advice for each country is listed in separate sections.

The standard greeting in Islamic and Arab-speaking countries is the salaam. This is done by touching your heart with your right palm, then sweeping your forearm up and outward, with the words ‘Essalam ëalaikum’, (‘peace be with you’). An abbreviated salaam is made by moving your forehead forward slightly and touching it with your fingertips.

Arab men do a lot of touching. Handshaking is often prolonged, and men who know one another well may clasp elbows.

The personal zone is smaller than in the West. Men will stand much closer to other men when holding a conversation than is usual in the West. To move away during a conversation is considered rude.

Men and women stand farther apart than in the West, and there are no public displays of affection. Visiting men should wait for an Arabic woman to offer her hand.

A man greeting another man who he does not know well will shake hands, whereas a man greeting a woman who he does not know well will touch his heart with his right palm.

Avoid pointing directly at another person.

Remember to remove your shoes before entering a house or a mosque.

The sole of the shoe or foot is the lowest and dirtiest part of the body, and it is an insult to show it to or point it at someone.

Use only the right hand for eating, and for presenting or receiving gifts. The left hand is used solely for hygiene purposes in any Islamic country. At meal times, Arabs will serve plenty of strong, thick, syrupy coffee in small cups. To indicate that you have had enough, tip the cup back and forth with your fingers.

Egypt

Although Egyptians are used to Westerners, you should dress modestly. Men should wear long trousers. Women should wear long skirts or loose-fitting trousers, loose tops with high necklines and sleeves that cover the elbows. A lot of people in Egypt smoke and doing so in public is not frowned on.

Iran

Handshakes are customary and shaking hands with children indicates respect for their parents. Women should wear a loose ankle-length skirt with a big, baggy, long-sleeved shirt or shirt and loose-fitting mid-thigh-length jacket. Make-up and any jewellery apart from plain rings such as a wedding ring should be avoided in order not to cause offence and provoke strong reactions. Men should wear full-length trousers, and keep their arms covered.

Jordan

Jordan is relatively westernised, but immodest dress may upset people. Women should wear at least knee-length dresses or trousers and cover their shoulders. In Jordan, politeness is an elaborate art. For example, at dinner if you are offered additional food, you should refuse twice, and only accept on the third time of offering. It is polite to leave small portions uneaten. Although Jordan is one of the few Arabic countries where alcohol is readily available, drinking anything more than modest amounts is frowned upon.

Israel

Hebrew is a very expressive language, and is accompanied by much touching and hand-holding between friends. Visiting women should wait for an Israeli man to offer to shake hands. Women should avoid smiling at strangers, who might get the wrong impression. Orthodox Jews do not touch hands casually or shake hands between genders, even when passing business cards.

Saudi Arabia

At gatherings, you might see men greeting dignitaries and elders by kissing the right shoulder front to show their respect. Saudis may host joint business meetings in one room, with the host moving from one group to the next and back again. If your host interrupts a meeting and is gone for 20 minutes without explanation, it is for prayers. Saudis find crossing your legs disrespectful. Don’t expect to be introduced to a veiled woman in the company of a Saudi man. Women should keep their legs, shoulders and arms covered at all times, in loose clothing. You may also need to cover your head with a scarf. Smoking in public is not common. Alcohol and pork are illegal. Don’t smoke, drink or eat in public during the holy month of Ramadan or you risk being sent to prison, possibly until the fast is over.

Turkey

In addition to the normal handshakes, friends may put their hands over yours, or even embrace you. At an office or formal gathering, shake everyone’s hand. A much younger person may kiss your hand and press it to his head as a sign of respect. Smoking and eating on the street are considered impolite. Show particular respect to elders, who are valued there. When talking, don’t cross your arms or put your hands in your pockets. ‘No’ is indicated by raising the head a little, tipping it back and closing the eyes, or opening the eyes wide and raising the eyebrows.

Lebanon

Children are taught not to talk unless addressed by a visitor. A nod means ‘Yes’, while a sharp upward motion of head and raised eyebrows means ‘No’. In urban areas the Lebanese are quite tolerant of Western ways and dress, but in rural areas people are more traditional. Outside cities and the larger towns, Western women should take care to dress modestly.

China

The Western handshake is becoming the most common form of greeting, especially in business, but a nod or short bow is fine. Guests are introduced to Chinese people in order of their hosts’ seniority. Business cards will probably be exchanged next, and should, ideally, be in your language and in Chinese. Present cards with both hands as this is more respectful. The Chinese are generally non-tactile people, but they stand closer than Westerners. The young display affection publicly more than they used to.

Chinese people do not like to say no, and may shake their heads in silence if they don’t like what you’re asking. In the cities there is not much eye contact in public, although you might get stared at in smaller places. Silence is a virtue, a sign of politeness and contemplation. During conversation, try not to interrupt. Food bowls are held under the chin. Wait for the host to pick up his chopsticks before eating. Refusing food is also considered impolite. Chinese etiquette is to decline gifts two or three times before accepting them even if they are wanted.

Indonesia

Indonesia consists of 17,000 islands and some 300 ethnic groups, so across the whole country gestures and behaviour vary greatly. But for urban areas a few general points can apply, particularly for business purposes. A handshake plus a slight nod is customary for greeting, congratulating or parting, for both sexes. Aside from this, men do not touch women in public. You should always use people’s titles to address them. In West Java, they use a Thai greeting, with the palms together, fingertips towards chin and a nod. Indonesians do not like to show feelings, especially negative ones. They don’t like to disappoint people, so they avoid disagreeing in public and smile to hide shock or embarrassment. You should avoid showing excessive gratitude or outbursts of anger. The sole of the shoe is a taboo, the right hand is used far more than the ‘unclean’ left. Pointing with fingers is very rude and touching people’s heads is not advisable. When dining, leave a little food. A clear plate means you want more.

Hong Kong

The conventional handshake is the most common greeting. The Chinese people do not like body contact, though men may hold hands when walking. They may also stand fairly close by Western standards. Don’t blink too much in meetings as it can be interpreted as lack of interest. At mealtimes, Chinese and Western customs will sometimes be mixed. Chopsticks, for example, may be used in conjunction with knives and forks either for different dishes or different course. Tea may be served during meetings. If the host leaves his tea untouched for a long time, this may be an indication that he considers the meeting to be over.

Japan

The Japanese and other Asians find too much direct eye contact aggressive and rude. So tone down your eye contact. Bowing is of course the traditional greeting in Japan. The Western handshake is also widespread, but with a lighter grip. Most Japanese find direct eye contact intimidating. Overt displays of emotion are unwelcome. The tiniest gestures have meaning, so be careful to limit your own hand and arm gestures. Business card etiquette is perhaps more important than anywhere else. The Japanese usually present their business cards while holding them in both hands. To the Japanese, visiting cards are not just bits of stiff card with names printed on them, they are part of their owner’s identity, and accordingly are treated with great respect.

When you first receive a card, take time to study it, then put it carefully on the table in front of you. When the meeting is finished put it in your wallet, not in a pocket, and especially not in a hip pocket – that means you could sit on it. Those Japanese who frequently travel abroad are of course becoming aware of the Western approach to business cards, but for the many with no foreign experience, this is still quite a sensitive point. Listening attentively and not interrupting are crucial. The Japanese don’t like to say no, so be aware that nodding does not necessarily signal agreement. Japanese chopstick etiquette is much like China’s; the major difference is that food bowls are held lower. You should pick up dishes on your left side with your right hand and vice versa. A common Japanese toast is ‘Kan-pai’ (‘Drain the cup’) Remove your shoes when entering a home or restaurant.

South Korea

Bowing is the traditional form of greeting, perhaps combined with a handshake if greeting Westerners. Women don’t shake hands, just nod. Deference to rank and elders is important. The senior offers to shake hands first; the junior bows first. Koreans are taught to avoid eye contact, and a youngster making eye contact with an elder is regarded as displaying defiance. As in Japan, read business cards thoroughly and keep them to hand. Walking directly behind people can be considered impolite so try to avoid it. Koreans avoid saying ‘no’ by tipping their heads back and sucking air. Laughter is used to cover-up all sorts of emotions. It is disrespectful to pour your own drink – the host should do it – or to open gifts at a time they are given.

Malaysia

The Malaysian population is made up of 57% Malays (Muslim), 32% Chinese and 11% Indians. The handshake is used universally. Within the Chinese population, men and women will shake hands with each other, but not with Indians or Malays. Malays greet with the salaam, but theirs differs slightly from the Arab version – they simply extend the hands, putting the fingertips together, then place the hands on the chest. Indians greet with the namaste. Before entering Malay mosques and homes, you should remove your shoes and leave them with everyone else’s. In this part of the world Indians shake their heads to indicate agreement.

Philippines

There has long been an American presence in the Philippine Islands, so Western gestures are familiar. Handshakes are the norm for men, women and children. Quickly raising the eyebrows is another informal greeting. In public, two women may hold hands, but men do not. Filipino taboos include staring, talking loudly, and women smoking in public. At meals, always leave some food on your plate to indicate that the host has served enough. An empty plate indicates that you would like more. Filipinos will point to something not with the hands, which is seen as rude, but with their eyes, or even sometimes with pursed lips.

Thailand

The Thai greeting is called the ‘wai’ – the hands are held together as if in prayer, and the head nodded in a slight bow, very like the Indian namaste. The wai can be used for greeting, parting, gratitude and apology. The higher the hands, the more respectful the greeting, but the fingertips should not be higher than the face. Remove your shoes when entering someone’s home, even though some Thais defer to the West and will let you keep them on. Don’t step on the doorsill as Thais believe that a deity lives there. The feet are lowly, so don’t point them or show the soles. Patting someone’s back or shoulders is offensive. Two men might hold hands when walking, but otherwise there are no public displays of affection. Thais particularly dislike loud boisterous or aggressive behaviour, don’t talk in a raised voice, and never show anger during negotiations.

Singapore

The population includes Chinese, Muslims and Indians. Manners may show British influences, since Singapore was once part of the British Empire. The handshake is the standard greeting, perhaps combined with a slight bow for Asians. Women make the first move when shaking hands. The old are held in great respect, people usually rise when they enter a room and give up seats for them in public places. Singapore is a very clean and tidy country and there are severe local penalties – typically large fines – for dropping litter, even cigarette ends.

Samoa

Greetings are formal and somewhat flowery speeches. Eloquence is a Samoan speciality. When visiting a home, wait until a mat has been laid down before entering, then remove your shoes. Sit cross-legged on the mat. Conversation tends to take place only when people are seated. Be more careful not to point your feet at anyone. The Samoan national drink is called kava. It is traditional to spill a few drops before drinking.

Taiwan

The handshake is the usual greeting, though a nod (with eyes cast downwards) is acceptable. Like other Asian countries, the Taiwanese respect business cards, which should be read carefully and kept to hand. The elderly are treated with great deference. Here, ‘No’ is indicated by holding the hand up at face level, with the palm out and moving it back and forth. Toast by saying ‘kan-pei’. Use both hands to give and receive presents.

As I mention in revious articles, I became increasingly aware that I could have written a great deal more, with comments on negotiating, seating plans, the appropriate percentage of eye contact and so on and so on. I decided, because of the length of the article, to cut it down and try to give a brief overview. If there are TZ members who can add to the final article I will include them and compile the series into a download.

Note-taking

When taking a verbal brief you should take notes. Note-taking shows you’re attentive, helps you keep a record and provides a basis for confirmation of what is agreed (and evidence in a dispute!). Taking no notes may make others think that you are not very competent or analytical or are not taking the issue seriously. And you have no record of what took place or was agreed between you.

These days, in the interest of efficiency, many people type notes straight on to a pad, a laptop or a smartphone. But this can weaken rapport building as it not only breaks up eye contact so seriously, it also feels like the relationship is between you and the machine not you and the other person. The newest digital technologies (eg smartpens, which allow you to write notes and also make audio recordings on the conversation) can really help here. You can take a few written notes the traditional way and still pay attention to your client. Also by notes on paper, and then typing them up, you have to go over points again and the simple repetition helps reflection and analysis. Review as you type. Highlight action points, decisions and reference information.

• Clarifying

• Agreeing

• Selling/recommending

Writing

Purpose

Style

Content

Structure

Writing a great Tweet

(R)etweeted (even possibly becoming a TT-trending topic).

(C)licks on its link.

(E)ngagement, including comments and replies (or a response from a specific user)

(F)avorited

This list of results can be abbreviated “RCEF.” I’m going to give a brief overview of how to write tweets differently to do better for each of the four goals of RCEF.

But before we get to that, you might want to try to find the best time to tweet it, or consider repeating the tweet, or read up on the simplest tip for writing a great tweet about a blog post. Ready? Let’s begin!

1a. Getting Retweets

Tweets with links generally get more retweets than those without, except in the case of quotes and statements, where it doesn’t matter (much). Also, anything that makes a tweet get a lot of clicks, favorites or comments/engagement will influence retweets. The six types of tweets that get the most retweets are:

Warnings and alerts (“Twitter virus spreading”)

Quotes or statements (“You can avoid reality, but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.” ~Ayn Rand” and a statement “Content is NOT King; Relationships are King: http://bit.ly/i4rOwm”)

Breaking news

Links to fun, relevant engagement (“Quiz: How addicted to Twitter are you? http://bit.ly/fsIUBT” also such things as “Would you pass the Twitter test? http://bit.ly/hgMaTX” and polls.)

Information summaries (“4 C’s to help you make the most of Twitter â-ºContent â-ºCharacter â-ºConversation â-ºCommunity: http://bit.ly/h9h5r8”), most commonly key stats (“1 in 4 Twitter users earns more than 75,000 [Infographic] http://bit.ly/glxpCm”)

Key topic warnings, “secrets,” dangers, etc. (“Did you know you can be suspended for failing to retweet properly?http://bit.ly/emy7TX” and tweets such as “Top 10 Tips to Avoid Getting Unfollowed or Blocked on Twitter: http://bit.ly/iauRyI”)

Resource summaries. For example a list of useful/new/clever/etc. Twitter tools.

When you write a tweet, you can often angle it to fit into one or more of the key types. Some examples,:

A statement and an information summary, with a link- A great tweeter is â-ºHonest â-ºInteresting â-ºSmart with humor â-ºRelaxed â-ºA people person â-ºCaring: http://bit.ly/fAEYNK

A downtime alert and a resource summary, with a link- While Hootsuite is down, 5 other Tools to Schedule Tweets: http://bit.ly/hJINLj

1b. Becoming a Trendin